When you say the word "cousins," most people think about the children of their parents' siblings. Most everybody seems to have them, often along with heartwarming tales of growing up together, or at least of visits and shared adventures.
Patrick and I didn't have that. Dad was an only child. Mom's older half-sister was estranged from the family. I've written about the one memory I have of time spent with her son; Patrick never met him. Growing up, I joked that our family tree was a poplar -- nice and tall but not much in the way of spread. We didn't have family reunions or get together at the holidays with relatives because, as far as I knew, we just didn't have any. Doing genealogy has made me realize that isn't quite true. My parents had cousins and their parents definitely had cousins, but, with one exception, they didn't grow up together or even know each other much at all. Doing genealogy has also helped me understand why that was - from an NPE (not parent expected) discovery for my maternal grandmother, which made her half-sister to her siblings and hinted at a household that was not quite as placid as it seemed, to a "who knew?" first marriage for my paternal grandmother's brother, whose only son was raised by his stepfather and who may not even know who his birth father is - our family tree was actually complex and, well, covert.
But, unlike the folks who send their DNA tests in and are so disappointed to discover that the vast majority of their matches probably share nothing closer than a 4x Great Grandparent, that's pretty much what I expected to have happen. And I hoped that DNA could help bridge the absence of physical records to help piece together the identity of those more distant ancestors -- and have been incredibly lucky in that regard.
What I was not expecting were the wonderful "cousins" I found along the way -- people to whom I am distantly related, who I met because they were also pursuing genealogy, but who turned out to be wonderful friends, as well. People like these:
Kathy H. was a third cousin. She and her husband were avid genealogists and had corresponded with my mother before she died, so having them stopy by to visit when they passed through Iowa was really special. Her father had moved away from the area early on, so we were able to provide a lot of the "meanwhile, back at the ranch" kind of information for her.
Gary N. was a third cousin. Our Most Recent Common Ancestors were George Calder Thomas and Matilda Strowbridge. Descended from homesteader John Calder Thomas, Gary provided pictures of the sod and log house our great-great grandfather had built. Gary and his wife were the warmest, kindest people. Four of their very accomplished six children were adopted from far-off places, and everyone in the family had a huge number of fascinating interests. Gary was 64 when he died of leukemia in 2006 and I just feel so lucky to have gotten to know him and his clan.
Linda A. is a fourth cousin, but we didn't know that when we first connected because she didn't know who her father was. I couldn't tell her much beyond the branch of the family through which we were related, but, by comparing shared matches, we narrowed down the possibilities and, two years ago, she determined the most likely candidate and got to meet her father. Through it all, she was just the sweetest and most thoughtful person. I think I would have been a wreck, but she handled it all with such strength and clarity. I'm so glad to have gotten to be a part of her journey and to get the chance to see someone demonstrate such grace.
Lisa F. is a diligent genealogist. I'm actually related to her husband, who is among the handful of people worldwide that share my birth surname. Even though its not "her" family, Lisa has made a bunch of great discoveries. I think we kind of keep each other going, knowing that there is "someone else out there" who also cares.
Donna C. was a second cousin. We met the old-fashioned way, before the internet, using family records and phone books. Her grandmother and mine were siblings, or half-siblings, as it has since turned out. Donna lived in Arkansas, so we never met in person, but we wrote once or twice a year when we made a discovery and always exchanged Christmas cards. "Who sent that card?" Doug would ask and I would proudly say, "my cousin, Donna." She passed away in 2017 and I miss her.
Steve A. is an absolutely stellar researcher with a top-notch analytical mind. When most of us are contacted by someone that asks about xxxx in our tree, Steve is never caught wrong-footed and stays on top of what we know, what we're trying to figure out, and how it all fits together. We're 'friends' on social media, where it's always great to hear from him. He's a 4C1R -- fourth cousin, once removed, which means our most common recent ancestors, Richard Higeson Thomas and Elizabeth Calder, are five generations back (remember, the MRCA for first cousins is two generations back, your grandparents) and there's one "remove" because Steve's family managed an extra generation in that time, the overachievers.
The Barker and Weed cousins have been absolutely charming to get to know. Last year, when I discovered so much interesting information about my adopted great-grandmother's birth mother, Libby Barker, I was just bursting to share it with someone. I was so fortunate to find a descendent of her younger sister, Mary Jane Barker Weed, who also had an Ancestry account, although she wasn't actively researching. I used readily available internet resources to identify her siblings and cousins and sent out letters with a prayer because, let's face it, getting snail mail from a stranger these days tends to mean Spam, and even if people do open the envelope, will they take the time to respond? But the Barker and Weed clan did, and I had so much fun sharing my findings with them. They are just lovely people and have been quite unphased by the not-always-happily-ever-after stories that have turned up along the way.
And there are lots more kind and generous people with whom I've corresponded throughout the years, thanks to genealogy. In my research, I have discovered family, but, more importantly, I've found kindred spirits. We may not have played together as children or gone to family reunions, but we have the pleasant bond of being friends as adults. I'm good with that.
So my plea to you is that, if someone gets in touch and has questions about family history, you don't automatically assume they are a scammer -- I mean, don't give them your ATM pin or wire them a mortgage payment, but maybe figure out what they are asking and tell them what you know if it seems a reasonable thing to do.
On behalf of my cousins and me -- thanks!